Prince Edward Finally Leaves Not-a’s Apartment (We Think He Got Lucky)

Well, he couldn’t stay there forever. At approximately 11 AM, the Palace Guard closed 63rd Street between Cullen and Masen to all traffic—not that it mattered. Word of Prince Edward’s location got out quickly, and the crowd had grown to include locals hoping to a get a glimpse of His Highness. Once the area was secure, a black Audi sedan pulled up in front of the Not-a’s building. From it emerged Prince Edward’s personal secretary and former bodyguard Emmett McCarty accompanied by an unidentified blonde woman. McCarty retrieved a garment bag from the trunk of the sedan, then he and his lady friend entered the Chelsea, flanked by members of the Palace Guard.

Apparently, Prince Edward called for security and wardrobe reinforcements.

The effort was more than a little comical. It didn’t matter if His Royal Highness changed his royal vestments; we were still about to witness His Royal Walk of Shame. And what a walk it was! Prince Edward appeared wearing one of his trademark dark grey bespoke suits, unshaven and without a bruise on his face. He waved and smiled at photographers as he walked the short distance from the doors to the Chelsea at the open door of the waiting Audi. To think that if he’d behaved this gracefully last night, none of this would’ve ever happened. So why the 180?

According to a Palace source, when word of Prince’s Edward’s brawl reached Prince John, he gave his son quite the tongue lashing via telephone.

Our source explained: “Prince John knows as well as anyone how invasive the press can be during what should be respected as private moments. That being said, he has always expected his boys to behave with the grace and decorum as befits their titles, and in incidents where this is Prince Edward’s actions—while entirely understandable—undermine everything Prince John has worked to achieve in the years since the death of Princess Elizabeth. As the heir to the throne of the Seven Kingdoms of the Westerlands, Prince John understands the symbiotic relationship the Palace has with the media is very fragile and won’t permit any member of the Royal Family to undermine it.”

Translation: it’s taken a huge PR budget and a lot of ass-kissing for Prince John to regain the pseudo-tolerance of the smallfolk, and even though he’s been known to have his own outbursts and tantrums in the presence of the media, he won’t tolerate this behavior being directed AT the media.

Meanwhile, additional details from Prince Edward’s test drive in his low-mileage pre-owned Buick are slowly getting out. Word on the street is that Prince Edward gave Not-a a softcore porn-worthy goodnight kiss in the hallway outside her apartment—and that one of her neighbors took a picture of it. If this is true, we want to be the first to publish it.

Hear that, residents of the Chelsea? If you have the goods, we have the dough. Name your price!

Exclusive: Not-a Swan’s Ex-Lover Tells All

It’s been the question on everyone’s lips ever since Prince Edward was first spotted exiting Bella Swan’s office. What could he possible see in her? After much discussion, we always come to the same conclusion: Not-a must be amazing in bed.

Au contraire, mes fréres—and we have the lowdown from someone who would know.

Not gonna lie—we thought we’d have to dig pretty deep to locate one of Not-a’s former suitors. After all, it’s not as if there are all that many of them. Lo and behold, her lover from her university days emailed us—and he was more than willing to talk, provided we wrote him a large check and didn’t publish his name.

Fifteen minutes and a wire transfer to someone whose name rhymes with gay-club hack later, we were on the phone with a man we’ll call Joe. He claims to have met Not-a at a debate tournament.

“She was painfully shy,” he told us, “but when she took the podium, she came into her own. She wasn’t the prettiest girl in the room, but there was something about her. I asked her out to coffee, and we started hanging out. Eventually, we became a thing.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah—but what’s her personality like?

“Fearless. Driven. She’s never done anything in her life that hasn’t in some way brought her closer to her goals. To be honest, it could be a bit of a turn-off. There’s more to life than mergers and acquisitions, you know?”

It’s no secret we like to keep it classy here at Royal Bitch. As a general rule, we won’t publish anything we wouldn’t say in front of our founder’s grandmother. Luckily for us, our founder’s grandmother curses like a sailor and has a thing for gay porn. Ergo, we had no problem asking Joe to tell us about Not-a’s bedroom skills.

Turns out he wasn’t kidding when he said she was driven. When it comes to her sexual prowess, he likened her to a Buick.

We don’t see many Buicks in The Westerlands, so we did a quick web search to get a visual. They appear to be rather—how do we put it—large. Then our founder’s grandmother told us to plug “Buick” into Urban Dictionary, and…well…yeah.

So we asked Joe to clarify.

He said, “You know. It does what you need it to, but the ride is nothing special.”

And that pretty much sums up Bella Swan—capable but nothing special. So what would compel His Royal Hotness to defend her honor with his fists?

Maybe our Buick perfected the buick.

Prince Edward Brawls With Paparazzi Outside Girlfriend’s Apartment Building

In the past few weeks, we’ve learned a lot about His Royal Hotness Prince Edward the Ginger, and almost all of it supports something we’ve long suspected: the man’s a hardcore pothead and lazy as hell.

This is a guy who pisses in the ocean before going inside his yacht to use the bathroom, who drinks the bong water before sending someone out for more dope, who uses a BS allergy as an excuse to avoid getting a job, and who lets his bodyguards end relationships on his behalf. This is a guy who, after walking his girlfriend to her door at the end of night out, defends her honor with his fists.

Sing with us. “One of these things is not like the other…”

Crazy as it may sound, Prince Edward did indeed escort Isabella “Not-a” Swan to her flat after what appeared to be a date. At ten past midnight, a black sedan with tinted windows pulled up in front of the Chelsea building, the historic hotel-turned-luxury co-op Not-a Swan has called home since moving back to The Westerlands six months ago. Two liveried Protection Officers got out of the front of the car and stood on either side of the rear passenger door, as Prince Edward emerged from the car. Much to our surprise, it was His Royal Hotness who helped Not-a climb out of the car, not one of his thugs—er—bodyguards. As they walked the three meters of sidewalk from the street to the entrance of the Chelsea, Prince Edward kept his arm around Not-a’s waist and leaned into her, as if trying to shield her from the sea of flash bulbs.

When His Royal Hotness reappeared a few minutes later, he ignored the paparazzo’s requests that he pose for a few photos.

This is when shit started to get real.

According to reports, one of the paps yelled something like, “You only lasted five minutes?”

His Royal Hotness froze in place.

Seemingly thrilled to have gotten the famously-stoic prince to react, the pap continued, “Not-a spent more time BUYING the rubber than you did wearing it!”

Because photos of celebs looking at the camera are worth far more money, the paparazzi has a long-standing tradition of saying the most offensive things they can think of with the hope of shocking the subject of their pursuit into turning to look at them.

Tonight they were particularly creative.

That Prince Edward reacted to the first insult hurled at him encouraged the crowd of gathered photographers, leading one of them to take it a bit further.

“Leave him alone, guys,” the esteemed photojournalist shouted. “It’s obvious he didn’t just fuck her. If he had, his hair would be messed up from his blindfold. I mean, look at his girlfriend. No way he could get it up without one.”

Before his Protection Officers could intervene, Prince Edward stalked over to the offending paparazzo and smashed both his camera and his face.

That’s when another pap jumped to his colleague’s defense and punched Prince Edward several times, allegedly knocking out one of his teeth and breaking his nose.

According to an eyewitness, “The Prince got hit a few times before his thugs stepped in and started fighting for him, the pussy. Anyway, after the first punch, you could hear bone cracking, and blood spurted everywhere. You know what the craziest part was? His blood wasn’t even blue!”

It was complete pandemonium until the police arrived to disperse the crowd, issuing a stern warning that anyone remaining would be charged with trespassing. Though several arrests were made, Prince Edward has yet to be seen since his guards ushered him back inside Not-a’s building.

Our reporter asked a detective on the scene why Prince Edward wasn’t being held for questioning and got the following response: “Our first priority is always the safety of our citizens. We’ll get His Royal Highness’s statement once order is restored on the street. It’s not as if we don’t know where he lives.”

The victim of His Royal Temper was taken away in an ambulance. No word yet as to whether or not he’s planning to press criminal charges.

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