With the long-awaited Royal Wedding just weeks away, it’s amazing  just how they’ve managed to keep most of the details under wraps. Here is what we do know:

Esme Platt will spend her last night as a commoner at the St. Regis, which will be closed except to those attending the Royal Wedding. Despite the Queen’s reported ire,  Esme and her father will travel to the ceremony by car, if Esme’s train is anywhere near as long as we suspect it is, we’re predicting she chooses something really large and ostentatious, like a stretch Hummer.  Though Masen Palace has not commented on the guest list for the ceremony, it’s believed roughly two thousand invitations were issued.

His Royal Hotness Prince Edward will serve as Carlisle’s best man; Esme’s younger sister Bella “Not-a” Swan will be her maid of honor—can’t trust the uber important task of carrying her train to just anyone, you know.  Rounding out the bridal party will be six flower girls and two pages, each child representing one of the eight provinces of The Westerlands.

After the ceremony, the bridal party will  travel via horse-drawn carriage to the Sun Palace where,  as tradition dictates,  they will be joined on the Palace balcony by Her Majesty and assorted other royals to greet the masses who will no doubt be assembled in the square below. After Carlisle gives Esme an obligatory unlike-my-parents-we-really-do-love-each-other kiss, they will retreat to the Palace where there will be a wedding brunch hosted by the Queen.

Later that evening, Prince John will host a reception at Masen Palace, which will include a sit-down dinner, followed by dancing in the Palace ballroom.  Guests will be entertained by the National Philharmonic until the old people…oops…until Her Majesty leaves,  at which point a DJ will take over. Despite its Masen Palace location, the latter part of the evening reception is expected to more closely mirror smallfolk traditions than aristocratic ones, something which no doubt puts Not-a Swan at ease. A Dot Swan insider tells us our favorite royal-in-law to be has repeatedly declined her mother’s multiple offers to arrange for private lessons in poise, deportment, and ballroom dancing.

No, seriously. When even your MOTHER questions your ability to blend, you KNOW there’s a problem. At least we know Not-a will feel at home during the latter part of the reception. As the above photo of her donning an American Indian headdress for the playing of “YMCA” at a Dot Swan employee’s wedding would imply, Not-a is more than willing to take one for the team in the name of livening up the party. We can only hope Prince Edward knows what he’s in for.