Exclusive: Not-a Swan’s Ex-Lover Tells All

It’s been the question on everyone’s lips ever since Prince Edward was first spotted exiting Bella Swan’s office. What could he possible see in her? After much discussion, we always come to the same conclusion: Not-a must be amazing in bed.

Au contraire, mes fréres—and we have the lowdown from someone who would know.

Not gonna lie—we thought we’d have to dig pretty deep to locate one of Not-a’s former suitors. After all, it’s not as if there are all that many of them. Lo and behold, her lover from her university days emailed us—and he was more than willing to talk, provided we wrote him a large check and didn’t publish his name.

Fifteen minutes and a wire transfer to someone whose name rhymes with gay-club hack later, we were on the phone with a man we’ll call Joe. He claims to have met Not-a at a debate tournament.

“She was painfully shy,” he told us, “but when she took the podium, she came into her own. She wasn’t the prettiest girl in the room, but there was something about her. I asked her out to coffee, and we started hanging out. Eventually, we became a thing.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah—but what’s her personality like?

“Fearless. Driven. She’s never done anything in her life that hasn’t in some way brought her closer to her goals. To be honest, it could be a bit of a turn-off. There’s more to life than mergers and acquisitions, you know?”

It’s no secret we like to keep it classy here at Royal Bitch. As a general rule, we won’t publish anything we wouldn’t say in front of our founder’s grandmother. Luckily for us, our founder’s grandmother curses like a sailor and has a thing for gay porn. Ergo, we had no problem asking Joe to tell us about Not-a’s bedroom skills.

Turns out he wasn’t kidding when he said she was driven. When it comes to her sexual prowess, he likened her to a Buick.

We don’t see many Buicks in The Westerlands, so we did a quick web search to get a visual. They appear to be rather—how do we put it—large. Then our founder’s grandmother told us to plug “Buick” into Urban Dictionary, and…well…yeah.

So we asked Joe to clarify.

He said, “You know. It does what you need it to, but the ride is nothing special.”

And that pretty much sums up Bella Swan—capable but nothing special. So what would compel His Royal Hotness to defend her honor with his fists?

Maybe our Buick perfected the buick.

13 thoughts on “Exclusive: Not-a Swan’s Ex-Lover Tells All

  1. I wonder if he had a specific Buick in mind. When I spent a year in Washington as an exchange student, my host family drove a Buick. I thought it was nice.

  2. I bet Prince Edward can take it ALL without puking. We already know he has no gag reflex. Remember the picture of him drinking the bong water? If that doesn’t make a person throw up, nothing will.

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