In the past few weeks, we’ve learned a lot about His Royal Hotness Prince Edward the Ginger, and almost all of it supports something we’ve long suspected: the man’s a hardcore pothead and lazy as hell.
This is a guy who pisses in the ocean before going inside his yacht to use the bathroom, who drinks the bong water before sending someone out for more dope, who uses a BS allergy as an excuse to avoid getting a job, and who lets his bodyguards end relationships on his behalf. This is a guy who, after walking his girlfriend to her door at the end of night out, defends her honor with his fists.
Sing with us. “One of these things is not like the other…”
Crazy as it may sound, Prince Edward did indeed escort Isabella “Not-a” Swan to her flat after what appeared to be a date. At ten past midnight, a black sedan with tinted windows pulled up in front of the Chelsea building, the historic hotel-turned-luxury co-op Not-a Swan has called home since moving back to The Westerlands six months ago. Two liveried Protection Officers got out of the front of the car and stood on either side of the rear passenger door, as Prince Edward emerged from the car. Much to our surprise, it was His Royal Hotness who helped Not-a climb out of the car, not one of his thugs—er—bodyguards. As they walked the three meters of sidewalk from the street to the entrance of the Chelsea, Prince Edward kept his arm around Not-a’s waist and leaned into her, as if trying to shield her from the sea of flash bulbs.
When His Royal Hotness reappeared a few minutes later, he ignored the paparazzo’s requests that he pose for a few photos.
This is when shit started to get real.
According to reports, one of the paps yelled something like, “You only lasted five minutes?”
His Royal Hotness froze in place.
Seemingly thrilled to have gotten the famously-stoic prince to react, the pap continued, “Not-a spent more time BUYING the rubber than you did wearing it!”
Because photos of celebs looking at the camera are worth far more money, the paparazzi has a long-standing tradition of saying the most offensive things they can think of with the hope of shocking the subject of their pursuit into turning to look at them.
Tonight they were particularly creative.
That Prince Edward reacted to the first insult hurled at him encouraged the crowd of gathered photographers, leading one of them to take it a bit further.
“Leave him alone, guys,” the esteemed photojournalist shouted. “It’s obvious he didn’t just fuck her. If he had, his hair would be messed up from his blindfold. I mean, look at his girlfriend. No way he could get it up without one.”
Before his Protection Officers could intervene, Prince Edward stalked over to the offending paparazzo and smashed both his camera and his face.
That’s when another pap jumped to his colleague’s defense and punched Prince Edward several times, allegedly knocking out one of his teeth and breaking his nose.
According to an eyewitness, “The Prince got hit a few times before his thugs stepped in and started fighting for him, the pussy. Anyway, after the first punch, you could hear bone cracking, and blood spurted everywhere. You know what the craziest part was? His blood wasn’t even blue!”
It was complete pandemonium until the police arrived to disperse the crowd, issuing a stern warning that anyone remaining would be charged with trespassing. Though several arrests were made, Prince Edward has yet to be seen since his guards ushered him back inside Not-a’s building.
Our reporter asked a detective on the scene why Prince Edward wasn’t being held for questioning and got the following response: “Our first priority is always the safety of our citizens. We’ll get His Royal Highness’s statement once order is restored on the street. It’s not as if we don’t know where he lives.”
The victim of His Royal Temper was taken away in an ambulance. No word yet as to whether or not he’s planning to press criminal charges.