Hang onto your man, Not-a Swan! Looks like he’s straying already. Spectators at the East City Polo Grounds spotted His Royal Hotness Prince Edward looking very cozy with Lady Irina Hollingsworth. According to our source, the pair was acting very flirty.

“Lady Irina seemed to hang on his every word. As they talked, she’d laugh and periodically touch his thigh or knee. His Royal Highness wasn’t quite so animated and kept his hands to himself. But he didn’t seem to mind the attention. There was no indication he told her to stop, and from time to time, he’d even smile.”

As well he should. Though Prince Edward has known Lady Irina his entire life—her father, Baron Hollingsworth is part of Prince John’s inner circle—he had to be pleasantly surprised when he saw her. Since going under the knife while Prince Edward was off on his last “humanitarian mission,” Lady Irina is a changed woman. In fact, there’s no longer any risk of His Royal Hotness confusing her with one of the horses. (Though if they happen to encounter donkeys, things could get dicey.)

So where does this leave His Royal Main Squeeze, Isabella “Not-a” Swan? We never thought we’d say this, but based solely on appearance, Not-a is by far the better choice—unless, of course, Prince Edward is into roleplay kink and wants to pretend he’s Catherine the Great.

There’s one thing we are sure of—if Prince Edward is considering dumping Not-a, she’s completely in the dark about his plans. Just this afternoon, she was spotted at the Drug$Mart across the street from Dot Swan. Now, why on earth would Not-a Swan need to run into a pharmacy in the middle of the day?

As an employee of the discount pharmacy chain told us, “She was a woman on a mission. Upon entering the store, she went directly to the condom aisle. It was the strangest thing ever. She spent a good twenty minutes there, mostly taking rubbers off the rack, reading the back of the packages, then putting them back. Eventually, she moved onto the next aisle where she made a phone call. I didn’t hear much of her conversation, but she seemed to be getting advice on what type of condoms she should buy.”

And what a photo it was! As if the thought of Not-a Swan buying love gloves wasn’t entertaining enough on its own, we now have a picture of her standing under an enormous “Rectal Needs” sign. Needless to say, none of us here at Royal Bitch have ever had any need to venture into that aisle, so we did a little research into exactly what kind of products fall into that category. Turns out, it encompasses everything from enemas to speculums. Apparently, being full of shit IS a medical condition.

As we were told by the Drug$mart manager, “If you shit on it, in it, or with it, you can find it in our Rectal Needs aisle.”

And that’s exactly where our most-recent pic of Not-a was taken. Sometimes, reality is better than anything we could even think to whip up in photoshop.

Wonder what Not-a would do if she knew that when she called Prince Edward to ask him if he preferred ribbed or glow-in-the-dark, he was in the process of chatting up another woman. Only time will tell!