It’s been the question on everyone’s lips ever since Prince Edward was first spotted exiting Bella Swan’s office. What could he possible see in her? After much discussion, we always come to the same conclusion: Not-a must be amazing in bed.

Au contraire, mes fréres—and we have the lowdown from someone who would know.

Not gonna lie—we thought we’d have to dig pretty deep to locate one of Not-a’s former suitors. After all, it’s not as if there are all that many of them. Lo and behold, her lover from her university days emailed us—and he was more than willing to talk, provided we wrote him a large check and didn’t publish his name.

Fifteen minutes and a wire transfer to someone whose name rhymes with gay-club hack later, we were on the phone with a man we’ll call Joe. He claims to have met Not-a at a debate tournament.

“She was painfully shy,” he told us, “but when she took the podium, she came into her own. She wasn’t the prettiest girl in the room, but there was something about her. I asked her out to coffee, and we started hanging out. Eventually, we became a thing.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah—but what’s her personality like?

“Fearless. Driven. She’s never done anything in her life that hasn’t in some way brought her closer to her goals. To be honest, it could be a bit of a turn-off. There’s more to life than mergers and acquisitions, you know?”

It’s no secret we like to keep it classy here at Royal Bitch. As a general rule, we won’t publish anything we wouldn’t say in front of our founder’s grandmother. Luckily for us, our founder’s grandmother curses like a sailor and has a thing for gay porn. Ergo, we had no problem asking Joe to tell us about Not-a’s bedroom skills.

Turns out he wasn’t kidding when he said she was driven. When it comes to her sexual prowess, he likened her to a Buick.

We don’t see many Buicks in The Westerlands, so we did a quick web search to get a visual. They appear to be rather—how do we put it—large. Then our founder’s grandmother told us to plug “Buick” into Urban Dictionary, and…well…yeah.

So we asked Joe to clarify.

He said, “You know. It does what you need it to, but the ride is nothing special.”

And that pretty much sums up Bella Swan—capable but nothing special. So what would compel His Royal Hotness to defend her honor with his fists?

Maybe our Buick perfected the buick.

Hang onto your man, Not-a Swan! Looks like he’s straying already. Spectators at the East City Polo Grounds spotted His Royal Hotness Prince Edward looking very cozy with Lady Irina Hollingsworth. According to our source, the pair was acting very flirty.

“Lady Irina seemed to hang on his every word. As they talked, she’d laugh and periodically touch his thigh or knee. His Royal Highness wasn’t quite so animated and kept his hands to himself. But he didn’t seem to mind the attention. There was no indication he told her to stop, and from time to time, he’d even smile.”

As well he should. Though Prince Edward has known Lady Irina his entire life—her father, Baron Hollingsworth is part of Prince John’s inner circle—he had to be pleasantly surprised when he saw her. Since going under the knife while Prince Edward was off on his last “humanitarian mission,” Lady Irina is a changed woman. In fact, there’s no longer any risk of His Royal Hotness confusing her with one of the horses. (Though if they happen to encounter donkeys, things could get dicey.)

So where does this leave His Royal Main Squeeze, Isabella “Not-a” Swan? We never thought we’d say this, but based solely on appearance, Not-a is by far the better choice—unless, of course, Prince Edward is into roleplay kink and wants to pretend he’s Catherine the Great.

There’s one thing we are sure of—if Prince Edward is considering dumping Not-a, she’s completely in the dark about his plans. Just this afternoon, she was spotted at the Drug$Mart across the street from Dot Swan. Now, why on earth would Not-a Swan need to run into a pharmacy in the middle of the day?

As an employee of the discount pharmacy chain told us, “She was a woman on a mission. Upon entering the store, she went directly to the condom aisle. It was the strangest thing ever. She spent a good twenty minutes there, mostly taking rubbers off the rack, reading the back of the packages, then putting them back. Eventually, she moved onto the next aisle where she made a phone call. I didn’t hear much of her conversation, but she seemed to be getting advice on what type of condoms she should buy.”

And what a photo it was! As if the thought of Not-a Swan buying love gloves wasn’t entertaining enough on its own, we now have a picture of her standing under an enormous “Rectal Needs” sign. Needless to say, none of us here at Royal Bitch have ever had any need to venture into that aisle, so we did a little research into exactly what kind of products fall into that category. Turns out, it encompasses everything from enemas to speculums. Apparently, being full of shit IS a medical condition.

As we were told by the Drug$mart manager, “If you shit on it, in it, or with it, you can find it in our Rectal Needs aisle.”

And that’s exactly where our most-recent pic of Not-a was taken. Sometimes, reality is better than anything we could even think to whip up in photoshop.

Wonder what Not-a would do if she knew that when she called Prince Edward to ask him if he preferred ribbed or glow-in-the-dark, he was in the process of chatting up another woman. Only time will tell!

With the long-awaited Royal Wedding just weeks away, it’s amazing  just how they’ve managed to keep most of the details under wraps. Here is what we do know:

Esme Platt will spend her last night as a commoner at the St. Regis, which will be closed except to those attending the Royal Wedding. Despite the Queen’s reported ire,  Esme and her father will travel to the ceremony by car, if Esme’s train is anywhere near as long as we suspect it is, we’re predicting she chooses something really large and ostentatious, like a stretch Hummer.  Though Masen Palace has not commented on the guest list for the ceremony, it’s believed roughly two thousand invitations were issued.

His Royal Hotness Prince Edward will serve as Carlisle’s best man; Esme’s younger sister Bella “Not-a” Swan will be her maid of honor—can’t trust the uber important task of carrying her train to just anyone, you know.  Rounding out the bridal party will be six flower girls and two pages, each child representing one of the eight provinces of The Westerlands.

After the ceremony, the bridal party will  travel via horse-drawn carriage to the Sun Palace where,  as tradition dictates,  they will be joined on the Palace balcony by Her Majesty and assorted other royals to greet the masses who will no doubt be assembled in the square below. After Carlisle gives Esme an obligatory unlike-my-parents-we-really-do-love-each-other kiss, they will retreat to the Palace where there will be a wedding brunch hosted by the Queen.

Later that evening, Prince John will host a reception at Masen Palace, which will include a sit-down dinner, followed by dancing in the Palace ballroom.  Guests will be entertained by the National Philharmonic until the old people…oops…until Her Majesty leaves,  at which point a DJ will take over. Despite its Masen Palace location, the latter part of the evening reception is expected to more closely mirror smallfolk traditions than aristocratic ones, something which no doubt puts Not-a Swan at ease. A Dot Swan insider tells us our favorite royal-in-law to be has repeatedly declined her mother’s multiple offers to arrange for private lessons in poise, deportment, and ballroom dancing.

No, seriously. When even your MOTHER questions your ability to blend, you KNOW there’s a problem. At least we know Not-a will feel at home during the latter part of the reception. As the above photo of her donning an American Indian headdress for the playing of “YMCA” at a Dot Swan employee’s wedding would imply, Not-a is more than willing to take one for the team in the name of livening up the party. We can only hope Prince Edward knows what he’s in for.

It’s without a doubt THE  most unlikely coupling of the decade. What His Royal Highness Prince Edward could possibly see in Esme Platt’s plain little sister has been the source of much conjecture. A Masen Palace insider gave us the exclusive scoop—and it’s better than anything we could have come up with. Apparently, she cured him of his terrifying fear of responsible people.

Spit your beer out onto your keyboard? Yeah. That’s exactly how we reacted here at Royal Bitch.

According to our source, “His Royal Highness has never reacted well to the idea of toiling away at a profession, and being around productive members of society only aggravates it further. It goes back to when His Royal Highness finished university and arrived at the Royal Military Academy for Officer Candidate School. Less than six hours into orientation, he became so panicked that medics had to remove him from base. That’s how intensely he fears people who work for a living. It was easier for him to bear the shame of being the first male issue of the Masen Dynasty not to serve in the military than face his fear head on.”

What happened that day is legendary. Who by now hasn’t heard all about how after five minutes in fatigues, His Royal Highness had a massive anxiety attack and broke out in hives?  At the time, a Royal Family spokesperson claimed it was because of Prince Edward’s well-known polyester allergy, but no one made any attempt to secure uniforms made entirely of cotton. Instead, the  Prince was given an Epi pen and sent on a humanitarian visit.

Our source went on to explain, “Isabella Swan has changed all this. She doesn’t freak him out the other people with jobs do. He started off slowly, only being around her. After all, she’s where she is in life because of her father, and he can certainly relate to that. After experimenting with various sessions of carefully controlled exposure to other employed people, His Royal Highness felt confident enough to visit Isabella at her place of employment. He didn’t stay long, but his visit was without incident. Since then he’s visited Dot Swan’s national headquarters many times. On his most recent excursion, he didn’t even have to pop a benzo. It’s a huge relief to him, the idea that in time he may be able to stop being a drain on our country’s resources. And he owes it all to her.”

Okay then.

We take journalistic ethics very seriously here at Royal Bitch. Being the first with a story is important to us,  but we’d never risk our reputation by posting something we weren’t 98% sure was true. More than that, we don’t like to get sued. Though the Royal Military Academy incident is well-known and seemed to corroborate our source’s claims, we remained unconvinced and hit the photo archives. Surely there are pictures of Prince Edward standing there in one of the bespoke suits he wears around town surrounded by smallfolk doing their jobs. Finding one would blow a huge hole in the Not-a Swan-saved-him-from-himself theory our usually reliable Palace insider seems desperate for us to believe.  Much to our surprise, we could only find one—a pap photo snapped of him entering Dot Swan last week.

“Her Majesty says she’s a keeper,” our source said,  “and if he does anything to sabotage this relationship, she’ll cut off his allowance.”

We’re thinking an engagement is imminent.

Photos of the Royal Penis in Clear Violation of Confidentiality Agreement

 It was the piss seen all around the world. By now, everyone is familiar with the recently-surfaced photos of Prince Edward standing on the deck of a yacht, penis in hand. The complaint filed by His Royal Highness asserts that those photos were taken by none other Lauren Mallory, his former flame, and that their subsequent leak was a direct violation of the Non-Disclosure Agreement she signed prior to becoming his girlfriend. (That’s right—the word ‘leak’ is used to describe what happened to photos of Prince Edward, well, taking a leak. We couldn’t stop giggling, either.)

It’s expected they’ll come to an out-of-court settlement, with any awarded damages being donated to charities dedicated to helping penises less fortunate.